Happy Birthday to My Baby Sister...

Martiann, I hope you have a Very Happy Birthday today and know that I love and miss you.

Meet My Grandbabies

My Sweet Emma and Bryce

How I wish you knew these precious grandbabies of mine. I know they would delight your heart as much as they do mine. They are bundles of sweetness and innocence. I miss you and I miss sharing our lives together.

Remember When...

You met Meghan for the first time?

I remember. You were so excited to be an Auntie.You thought Meghan was the greatest thing ever.

When I moved back to Washington from California you loved to come and spend the night at my house and play with Meghan for hours.

Meghan adored you too. She would light up the second she saw you or heard your voice.

I hope that someday you will be reunited and again be able to enjoy the bond you had so many years ago.

As Time Goes By

The holiday's have come and gone. It's a new year and spring is just around the corner. Time goes by so quickly.

In a few days it will be twenty years since Steven died. I wonder if you will think of him. I wonder if you even remember him.

You were so small.

Do you remember how much Steven adored you? Like me, he thought the world of you. He loved to play with you, tease you, follow you around doing whatever you wanted him to do. He was a good brother.

Do you ever miss him?

I miss him everyday, and I miss you too. If he hadn't died, how different would our lives be? Maybe we wouldn't be estranged in this terrible way. Maybe we would still be a family.

Next Wednesday I'll be thinking of Steven, and I'll be thinking of you. What happened to Steven can't be undone. But as long as you and I are still alive there I have hope. I love you.

It's a New Year...

Wishing You Joy and Happiness
in the New Year

I Love You

Dear Martiann...

Merry Christmas With All My Love

Thankful for You

Thanksgiving is just four days away. We are going to have a very special Thanksgiving this year because all of our kids and grandkids will be here.

Mark and I have never had a Thanksgiving with all our kids together so we are really looking forward to this one. Mark actually hasn't had a Thanksgiving with all three of his girls together in about twelve years.

And while it will be a wonderful day, with many wonderful memories made, there will as always be two empty spots in my heart...one for Steven and one for you.

For the past twenty years every holiday has held a sadness for me. I miss you and Steven so much. In many ways not being with you is harder than not being with Steven. That may sound weird but with Steven I know that there is no choice about it. He's dead. It's so very final and nothing can change that. With you though our separation is chosen. You are very much alive and, I hope, well but yet I can't see you or talk to you anymore than I can Steven.

In my dreams you and Steven would be here for the holiday celebrations too. You have three step-nieces, a step-great-niece, and a step-great-nephew that you have never met. You've never met your brother-in-law Mark either. He is a good man and I know you would love him and his family.

This week we have many family activities planned and we will have lots of fun. I just wish you were here too.

I wish I could tell you how thankful I am that you are my sister. I cherish the memories of those few short years we had together.

I hope you have a very Happy Thanksgiving and somewhere deep down inside I hope you know that I am thinking about you and missing you.

Your Niece

Today is Meghan's 21st birthday.

The last time you were able to see her she was just 2 1/2 years old. She was still just a baby. You've missed her entire childhood and don't know anything about her or her life.

It's all just so sad.

Meghan adored you and loved just being with you...and you loved her too.

Aunt's are very special people. And thankfully, Meghan has been blessed with wonderful aunts in her life but she missed out on so much not having you too. You both have missed out on so much. She is your only niece, the only niece you will ever have, and you are complete strangers.

I know you would have been the best of friends.

I wish she could have had you as one of her role models. I wish she could have been able to talk to you about things during those teenage years when she didn't want to talk to her mother.

I wonder if you ever think about or miss her.

You should have been able to know her, to attend her graduation from Kindergarten and then from High School. You should have been able to attend her band concerts and drama productions in school. You should have been able to celebrate all her birthdays with her.

She should have been able to know you.

I want you to know that she is a kind and gentle girl. She is loving and she has her dad's goofy sense of humor. She would make you laugh. You would love her as I know she would love you.

I love and miss you and hope you are well.

Like Always...

I'm just thinking about you.

I can't sleep tonight and was just wondering how you are doing. I wonder how you are coping with your mom's death. I can only imagine how hard it must be. I hope you are taking good care of yourself.

I wonder how dad is doing as well. I've heard that he is not doing so great. I'm sorry for his, and your, grief. I truly am.

I hope you have close friends and special people in your life that you can turn to for comfort and love. I wish I was one of them. Maybe someday.

Love Always,
Your Sister

Missing Martiann on Her Birthday

This is the last photo I was able to take of my baby sister. It was taken at a swim meet in 1990 when she was just 11 years old. The last time I ever saw my sister was only a few months after this was taken.

Today is my baby sister's 31st Birthday and I haven't seen or spoken to her in 19 years.

Sisters should celebrate their birthdays together. But, just like I have for her last 19 birthdays, I will remember her and wish her a Happy Birthday, and she will never know it.

The first few years after we were separated, I kept buying her gifts for different holidays, and saving them for someday. I still have those gifts and cards and maybe, hopefully someday will still come. But I really don't know. So, until someday comes, I will keep celebrating her birthday in my heart.

Happy Birthday Martiann, I love and miss you.

Estrangement is a Terrible Thing

Last Saturday (May 2nd) my step-mother died and tomorrow (Saturday the 9th) is her funeral. I won't be there. I'm not invited or wanted. It's very strange.

I haven't seen or spoken to my step-mother, my biological-father, or my baby sister in nineteen years. The last time we were still a family was June 1990.

I don't know how I feel about my step-mother's death other than shocked. My bio-dad is a lot older than my step-mom and I always thought that he would die first. In fact, I never even considered the possibility that she would go before him.

But life is full of surprises and I should have known better than to think I had things all figured out. So, as I said, I feel incredibly shocked and blindsided, and I'm worried about my baby-sister. She's so young, only thirty, and it must be terrible for her to loose her mother after already loosing both of her only siblings when she was just 12. The truth is I've been worried about her since that terrible day in June nineteen years ago.

I didn't want to be estranged from my step-mom, bio-dad, or baby-sister. It was so terrible, my brother died in March 1990 and three months later I was disowned and forever banished from the other three.

The only thing I can say about my disownment is that I broke an unspoken but very strict family rule...I told a family secret and being banished was my punishment. I never believed that it was my bio-dad's idea, but he went along with it and has NEVER tried to see or speak to me for these 19 years. He also has never tried to see or speak to his only grandchild, which is something I have never and will never understand. It's so hard for me to comprehend how Meghan and I could be so disposable.

Sunday is Mother's Day. I'm sure it will be a very hard day for my bio-dad and baby-sister. And just like the last 19 Mother's Day's, I will think about my estranged family. It's that way with all holidays, birthdays, family events. I'll wonder what they're doing, I'll wonder how they're doing and I'll wonder if they ever wonder about me.

Maybe someday I won't have to just wonder anymore.